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Discussion Topic: Need a little inspiration
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 Jim |
04-10-2004 @ 4:18 PM |
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Joined: Apr. 2004
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Hello:
I'm new to the forum. I'm 46 years old and have been coping with depression since I was a child. I've been hospitalized once and have had many, many "breakdowns" since then.
With the help of my Psychiatrist, I took a medical leave from work and am now enrolled in an intensive day treatment program. I feel proud that I was able to catch myself before a breakdown this time. These have always been humiliating to me me in the past. I am very frustrated and have been doing a lot of processing today. I know that I need to take my doctors diagnosis seriously and start thinking of this as a disease, altho I'm still not 100% comfortable with that.
One thing my Psychiatrist told me yesterday was that Depression tends to become worse over time if left untreated. I guess I've proven this with my own experience. Although I have been taking medication for ~10 years., I have successfully avoided any talk/behavioral therapy for the last 25 years, the time of my last hospitalization.
I'd be interested in hearing from any of you who have dealt with this for years. I'm just beginning my recovery and I'm feeling a little shaky. The treatment program is like trying on new clothes- they may look alright but they're not exactly comfortable.
The honest truth is that I have feelings that I am a failure. I've been through so many years with this and no real progress. I know-it's a symtom of Depression!
I could really use some inspiration. I would be glad to hear of your successes. Right now, I can't imagine how I'm ever going to be able to return to work.
I will keep the faith and hope to hear from someone.
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| Melanie, Support Specialist |
04-10-2004 @ 10:11 PM |
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Administrator
Joined: Feb. 2003
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Good Evening Jim,
You have come to the right place! Please feel free to roam the site at your own pace. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. If you are interested in taking the test Jim, when you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your psychiatrist.
If you have any question or concerns with our site please contact our Support Department at [email protected]. We are the Support Specialist for The Depression Center and are open to any questions or concerns you may have.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon and thanks for sharing your story with us today  !
Melanie
This message was edited by Melanie on 4-10-04 @ 10:17 PM
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| Poes |
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06-11-2004 @ 7:21 AM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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There is a way out of this. I am 37 now and, knock on wood, depression free for a long time. Does this mean that I am in total bliss most of the time. No, it does not, but I am medication free and have learned how to deal with certain feelings. How? Yep, by talking about them, all of them. You are writing you have not been in therapy at all. I have avoided that for the longest time too, yet it turned out to be the only thing that really worked. I worked with a psychologist that focused mainly on feelings, not behavior. A lot of the feelings came out, but more important, I started to understand where they came from and with that, I now hold the key to any emotion that may occur during the day. I used to feel like a failure, because I needed to be perfect at everything and I mean perfect. Now I understand that that is an impossible task and that I do not have to be perfect at all, on the contrary. I am today very happy with who I am and have became, because of my imperfections. Life gets better, much better. Medication often just numbs the feelings. I do not want to do that anymore, I want to feel all my feelings, they are my roadmap in this life, I listen to them now and take them very serious. Find a good psychogist that can truly help you, one you feel more than comfortable with so that you too, can find your authentic self and be so very happy with every part of your being. Good luck to you.
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| Jeff S |
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06-11-2004 @ 4:24 PM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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A heartfelt thank you to all of you present who come here to this post with love and caring and a helping hand. This is my first post. I am probably a textbook case who just got so bad after the separation of my wife, I came to a mind- boggling new low. 42 years old and I am just starting to take some action. I've watched depression slowly disintegrate my life, family and relationships, and always tried not to acknowledge it. Now my desire to die crowds out everything else, and I must vanquish it! For I have one 8 year old (who lives with me) who is the most wonderful person I've ever known, and I have to continue being there for her in every way. We are particularly close, and my suicide would hurt her in unimagineable ways.
I find it hard to believe in anything, but thankfully your words remind me that there really is a truth in the world: namely, IT DOES GET BETTER. I can't afford therapy or prescriptions, so it's my fondest wish to come here and maybe make a few friends, and maybe help out as much as I am helped. Jeff S
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| Poes |
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06-11-2004 @ 5:35 PM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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I suffered my worst depression right after I had my twin girls, whom are 9 years old now. When I see video's of that time in my life, my heart still aches for the woman in it. She is not me, she was a shell of me. My girls really helped though to keep me going. I mean, there is no way I could stay in bed all day with two little babies to take care of, eventhough that is what I wanted to do most. I had to keep going........for my girls. It is hard to see life get unbearable, ruining everything in sight. I know, it makes you feel even more quilty, more like a failure, people will say you are a loser (mainly because than they can look at themselves, thinking they are better, which gives them a quick and meaningless relieve from the hole in their own heart), and worst of all, you will feel like a loser. And the worst, the world is better of without me. Oh, if I could only shake you up.......!! We come into this world born happy, we belong here, nobody is here without a reason, a **** good reason. I know, we can not all be a ghandi, a mother Theresa or some other multimedia person, but we all do make important contributions to this life and other lives that are very profound. Go inside...there is a world inside of everybody that needs exploring. I believe, but I am not an expert, that depression arises when we are starting to lose ourselves, our real selves. We have done to long what was expected of us, we tried to please all the wrong people for all the wrong reasons. That is not our fault, as children we often do not have a choice, but to use every tool in our little minds to cope with sometimes traumatic experiences. But we are no longer children. We have grown up now and often are taking care of our own children. Children that deserve a healthy parent, a good enough parent. We can take the control over our lives back, we are now in charge and as adults, we have adult options. One of them is to see yourself as a loser, the other healthier one is to see yourself as just another human being handling life. Maybe not always the best way. So what, the key word in the above sentence is human being, which means we are entitled to make our own mistakes. A million times over if we have to. It is all alright. Ask yourself, are you a good person? Do you intentionally hurt other life forms, humans or animals? Do you do your best to provide the best love you can give? If the answer on the above questions is yes, YOU ARE IN FACT A HIGHLY SUCCESFUL PERSON!!!!! And for that you should be more than proud of yourself. Yep, the kind of person the world can not do without, since there are not enough of those people around. We overrate success in this life, we overrate material gain in this life, keep your life simple.
When I was at my lowest point, I knew that if I would let go of the little every day things, my life would be spinning out of total control within a day, so I did my very best to keep the house clean, to at least get the bills paid, to eat breakfast and dinner, you know the little things in life, the things that other people find very normal, can be a real chore for some one suffering from a depression. However, those little things kept me together long enough to find some real help, to admit I indeed had a problem and to work my way through it. Be proud of who you are, no matter what other people told you or are telling you. Start seeing a little light and focus on it, soon it will get bigger and bigger.
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| Josie, Support Specialist |
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06-11-2004 @ 8:19 PM |
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Moderator
Joined: Mar. 2004
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Jeff,
Welcome to the site. You have come to the right place. Please feel free to roam the site, and try our Depression Test, and Depression Program. Our supporters have had great results with both.
Please continue posting anytime! Our supporters have excellent knowledge and support within them, and they are always there for you.
Hope this helps,
Josie
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| Josie, Support Specialist |
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06-11-2004 @ 8:32 PM |
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Moderator
Joined: Mar. 2004
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Poes,
That was a wonderful story. Thank you for sharing it with us this evening. You are a very strong woman, and your are doing great. Your determination is inspiring.
Thank you,
Josie
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| Jeff S |
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06-12-2004 @ 3:48 AM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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It's a relief to be able to talk about this to people who understand. I've always dreaded talking about my personal problems. It made me sound whiny and impotent, something my estranged mother and I have both judged negatively. Yet, you understand. I have quite a project in front of me. I've taken the first step. E-mail is where I am an hour or two every day. Cyberspace is a logical answer. It is a great relief to read your replies.
So far, I've been improving since I hit that scary, weird all-time low the first week of June. And these are what I think are helping: 1.) I have jogged 30 minutes a day faithfully, beginning the moment I read Andrew Weil discussing the benefits of serotonin reuptake inhibitors. At the end he said, offhand, almost as an afterthought, "However, the best treatment I know for depression is aerobic exercise, 30 minutes, five days a week." It hit me like a "conk" on the head. I am not very physically active, but the unpleasant prospect of running around gasping for air suddenly seemed a lot better than sitting on the couch and playing angry or self-defacing sound loops in my head. I couldn't put on my running shoes fast enough.
2.) Talking (E-mailing) about it to friends, like those at this support group. It was something I didn't even discuss with my oldest dearest friends, until now. But it is probably obvious to them, as they watched my career over the past 3 years go from a biosciences research lab to a s**** yard laborer position with a tyrannical boss. No offense, please, to s**** yard laborers. It was gloriously gritty toil, and probably gave me a lift as it was somewhat aerobic. It opened my eyes to a poignant subculture of homeless can collectors. But the disappointment and alarm played continuously in my head.
3.) It also helped to hit that scary all-time low, when I even lost my taste for vice-- that's when I new I was in trouble. My waking thoughts went from mere panic, desperation and obsessing over disappearing into the wilderness and away from the things of man, to a Twilight Zone of really dark thoughts, some worse than suicide. When I peered over the edge into the abyss, I knew it was the wrong direction. It shocked the senses into action.
4.) I've also turned to yoga faithfully, and several hundred mgs of St John's Wort and ginseng per day, just in case. I know I can't swallow pills and expect them to miraculously change a lifetime of unhealthy thoughts, but I am doing what I can afford to pay for. Like keeping my eye on that small distant light, Poes.
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| Poes |
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06-12-2004 @ 8:50 AM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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Jeff,
I do not know how you talk to people, but your posts do not sound whiny or impotent. On the contrary, to me it seems that you are actually doing great and I think you should be much more appreciative of yourself. Like I said, I am off the medication, but only as long as I stay on the treadmill. Aerobic activity every other day is indeed the best way to have a healthy functioning mind. I aim for 5 times a week, but every other day is also enough to keep me balanced. It is one of the best things you can do for yourself. Okay than, there is nothing wrong with being a s***yard laborer, but I do understand that you may not feel fullfilled doing it. In time a lot of your past achievements will come back to you and I, for one, much more appreciate a s***yard worker than someone who has not job and is not trying, feels sorry for himself and sits on the couch. At least you are out there!!!!!! Do not look at other people's careers, houses, cars.....they mean nothing. Often people are getting sooo caught up in achieving more and better, but with that along comes the stress, the added responsibilities and the saveguaring, which all costs time and more money. To me that is an endless, meaningless circle which often leads to the heart that does not carry anything inside. I used to have a great career, I was good at it, made good money, had a car to match my wonderful succes, yet everytime I went home my heart felt empty and my resources were depleted. Now I am a mother and a housewife, I take care of my two kids, my 8 cats and my two dogs, my house and my yard. I still put in my best effort (like I did at work), no one is applauding for me or is looking at me as if I have it made, but you know...........every night I go to bed, I feel content and fullfilled. When I am ready, I will pick up a career that I truly like, until then, I am happy with what is. Happiness is overrated anyway........to me happiness comes as small feelings, like little islands throughout the day. I strive for contentment and nothing material can give you that. So, be a s***yard laborer for a while, see what is out there, give it the best you have, do it with all your heart and try to feel content when you come back home and your little girl is waiting for you. Play a little. Life does not have to be so serious all of the time. I downloaded a pinball game from the internet, sounds silly, I know, but I am having the best of times while I am playing it. Take a couple of 'shoulds' out of your life, see what happens. Go with the flow, give your soul the opportunity to have a say in what you truly want, listen, then do it. Do things that make you feel good, get rid of things that do not make you feel good (you know what they and who they are) it does not matter who is looking or what you rational mind is saying. As long as you are not hurting yourself or anyone else, do it. Clean up your house, clean up your mind. You will find that a lot can go straight in the garbage bag.
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| Jeff S |
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06-12-2004 @ 4:11 PM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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Hi Poes,
Thank you for your reply and saying I do not sound whiny. I don't think I do either, and I don't think I speak whiny either, because I've always dreaded the thought of coming off sounding that way. I was just explaining why I've kept this to myself, until it ate away at me until I am what I've become. I am at a point where I need to talk about my problems, and so here I am doing it, thanks to all who come here.
You've spoken twice now about anti-materialism. Would you believe that if anything, I am too anti-materialistic? It puts me slightly at odds with most people. I've been an avid reader of primitive cultures, especially the vanished cultures here in the desert Southwest U.S., and have entertained the dream of a rather primitive hermitage, either in the canyonlands or on the high seas, where I only look after the basic necessities: food, shelter, and companionship with like-minded people. The big problem is that a hermitage is a little short on the companionship facet! I realize I can't be that alone for very long, nor could I impose that on my daughter, even though she is usually up for adventures. Plus it would take some getting used to.
But I'm rambling. You are right about keeping a reasonably clean house helps the psyche. I manage, but it's not quite "tidy". Throughout my marriage, our place was a dump. Now apart, we are both a little cleaner.
The other thing I'd like to clear up is that I'm not working presently. My boss at the s-c-r-a-p yard (ssccrraapp yard)was easily the most abusive person I've ever worked with. He was so hot-tempered it was almost funny, like a bad TV melodrama. Precisely like Mr. Waturi in "Joe versus the Volcano", he yelled daily at everyone he thought he could get away with, including his family. And I took him to task for his tantrums one too many times and got myself fired. And never having been one to take assistance, my savings are about exhausted. So my first priority is to get a job. If only I could get out of this hole.
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| Poes |
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06-13-2004 @ 6:21 AM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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When I was 12, I want to become an archeologist. My parents figured that was not a good career for a woman and so, by the time I turned 18 I went of to business school. My first depressive episode started right after. I believe because I had taken the first major step away from my soul. I think we are all born unmaterialistic. All we need as infants is love and nurturing to grow. Later in our lives, we forget those major basic needs and start, with the rest of western society, this hasty, stressful, want more, be more, do more lifestyle. Often what we are trying is to live up to other people's expectation, to become,what western society has labeled, a succesful person. Do not get me wrong, it is okay to have wants, to have wishes. I admit, I really like my comfortable home and the fact that I have a car that will bring me where ever I choose to go, but it is no coincidence that anti-depressive medication are on a scary rise in western society. I believe it is because we got away from our basic needs, love and nurturing. I think that is where the need to get away from it all comes from in so many of the stories that are told on this site. Western life is complicated. Our view of life is directed outward and we loose ourselves in the process. My way out of my depressive episodes came from turning my view inward. I toke charge of my life. I take responsibility for the ones in my life that depent on me for their survival, my kids and my animals. Every one else can vent for themselves. I no longer play the game of the perfect wife, perfect daughter, perfect friend and it is a great relieve, to leave other people's business where it belongs......with them. Strange things happen when one makes that decision. Some people may leave your life, because they can not handle your new found strenght. That may be scary at first, since it will give you the feeling of being more lonely. You are not alone, just in a transition period. New people, healthier people will come to support you. You may choose to no longer have certain people in your life. You know the ones I am talking about, the people that are poison to your soul. A new harmony within you will balance itself out. Do not try to figure out why people are leaving, it is not your responsibility. I know that some people on this site are having a hard time just keeping a roof over their head, that must be very hard and depressing, but even they can start to make small changes that show love and nurturing towards oneself. My expectation of myself were lowered. These days I am good enough, however that may be on any particular day. If that is not good enough for other people, too bad, they have a choice to stay with me or leave.
Jeff, no one with kids living in the house have a perfectly tidy and clean house. My house is clean enough, some days spotless, some days a gigantic mess. When it is a mess, I clean it up. How simple life can be.
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| Jeff S |
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06-13-2004 @ 9:34 AM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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Your words about society and materialism ring true. They are precisely what I also believe. Capitalism, by its nature, exploits people and coerces them to be materialistic. Modern society leaves us lost and anxious, especially North American society. Once upon a time and for a million years we existed with little change. Nothing much ever developed except traditional ties and rites, which strengthen over time. Once upon a time we knew our roles and responsibilities. Then in the last two centuries, change began to accelerate at mind boggling rates. For many of us, it deconstructed our traditions, religions, values and familial and community ideologies! I think Joseph Campbell said it best. Derelicts of the modern age, many of us are left without rites, roles or role models, and spastically try to form new traditions, which are usually trendy and a bit off-center. Love and nurturing became viewed as sappy. And here's a quote about technoilogy and society by George Nelson: "Technology began as an extension of tools and as such brought uncounted blessings with it. Now, swollen beyond any conceivable human scale, it rolls along, a blind Moloch over-riding all needs of the human spirit, all traditions, customs, languages, races, ideologies. There is no one in the driver's seat."
So it is no wonder that cultural exchange is a passion and pursuit of mine. Lately I've been focused on rites and roles, and how they are existing in the modern age. For example, all my adult life I've felt stuck in an immature stage, and in some ways self-fulfilled that prophesy. My upbringing was distant and unsupervised, and without any role model. My mother grew up in the fire-bombing of Tokyo and it helped make her an insensitive woman, like her mother before her (I can count the number of hugs that I received from my mom on one hand. She used to beat us occasionally; and beat one of my sisters regularly. This sister eventually became a homeless schizophrenic, her whereabouts presently unknown.) Anyway, with a distant and unsupervised upringing, I never had rites, roles or responsibilities, and I believe they are necessary. They create identity for a person. They help to allow a man to call himself a man, and to become a man, instead of an unrelenting rebel and iconoclast, which is what I've been. I've decided that my daughter, for example, shall have ceremonial rites on her first menstruation, to honor her and bond her family to her in her burgeoning role as a woman. I have the perfect sister and niece up in Washington state, whom I and my daughter love to pieces, to help with that. They've already begun some of that sisterhood rite with her, to my delight.
So you wanted to be an archeologist? I did not have much interest for that until I moved here 8 years ago. Arizona is an archeological treasure trove. Now, I could share volumes of experiences with you, until you begged for mercy. About once a week my letters are archeological or anthropological in nature, often focusing on the Ancestral Pueblo people of Arizona, such as the Anasazi. I try to understand their lives; their world views. Last night, for example, we missed our aerobics. That's not what I wanted to do, but my daughter and I made acquaintances with a nice Hopi family and I talked with them, while our children ran through lawn sprinklers, into the night. The Hopis are believed to be the descendents of the equally peaceful Anasazi, and being private and protective of their culture, it is still somewhat intact. I've waited for years for the opportunity to make Hopi friends, but you can't exactly walk up and say, "Hey... you look Hopi; talk to me." Until last night, I had only made progress making friends with their neighbors, the Navajo, but the Navajo were invaders and raiders of the Southwest, not unlike the Spanish, and later, the English. But the ancestors of the Hopi can be traced here back to the ice age, when men literally hunted mammoth and sabre-tooths, American camel and paleo-horse. One of the Hopi acquintances studied pottery in Santa Fe and wishes she could find the impetus to return to that art. Excited at the thought that I might learn how to make traditional pottery from a Hopi, I might be just the person to help her....
P.s. Business school would depress me too.
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| Poes |
06-14-2004 @ 7:28 PM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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In 1999 I moved back from California to Holland. The major reason was that I could not get happy in the USA. It was not the country in itself, nor the people, but something essential to me was missing and no matter how hard I tried, I did not find it untill I moved back home. The other reason, and almost equally important, that I did want my kids to grow up in a place where children still play outside in the summer, where people still eat dinner at the dinner table with every one of the family present. In Holland we still do have a lot of traditions, that are, sometimes unconsciencely, woven into our day. I never regretted my decision, although I sometimes do miss the nice weather and fruit trees in my backyard. My husband still lives in the States and he comes to Holland 7 out of the 52 weeks of the year. Not perfect...I mean I did not get married to be alone most of the time, but I can handle it very well. Depression thaught me that, what it is like to make it work until a new balance has been found. I have learned a lot from my experiences. Looking back, the depressive episodes have enriched my life, since I have become such a different person.
Parents can do a lot of damage to a child. It is crazy, to drive a car we need a license, but anybody can have a child. It should not be that way, but it is. As adults we need to fill in the holes that our parents could not fill for us. I have become my own best parent, raising myself the way I am raising my kids, with love and care and nurturing. The relationship with my parents now is very good, because of that. I do not wish for a better past anymore. I can not say we are the best of friends, but then.....I have no need to be the perfect daughter anymore and that way, I can see them for who they are. The relationship changed because they can see that change in me too. I completely trust and accept myself. Do not get me wrong, I am not always that together and still work through issues, but I have the tools to do it.
I think Jeff, that you are doing very well. It is great to have such an interest in something. You are very intelligent, so soon you will be back up on your feet, higher than you have ever been before.
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| kelso |
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06-14-2004 @ 7:40 PM |
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Joined: Jun. 2004
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Hello support group,
I am looking for some help. This is very new to me but I figure I will give it a try. I'm 25 years old, almost 26. I am single, in my career job and have been severly depressed for 1 year now. It began as an anxiety depression caused by my very stressful work environment and demeaning boss. I had to quit that job and have moved on career wise but still I seem to be having the pitty parties that just are not quite working for me. Over the last year, I have isolated myself from my dearest friends, still having no interest in reconnecting, because I find more comfort in stangers and also I have had 6 months of professional counselling. Still I feel like I'm struggling..... I have no idea why? Daily, I am sleeping in, not motiviated to workout or taking on exciting projects and its like i'm kicking my former self.
Unfortunately this depression thing is not a conversational piece with new people that I interact with. So I am looking for some tips, coping mechanisms. My family are all going through there own thing, each member on some sort of anti-depressant so to them I'm really depressed. I have refused taking any medication throughout the year, because I think there are deeper reasons as to why I find myself in these situations. I know I suffer from setting unrealistic expectations on myself and others and I am a very typical Type A go getter personality..... which sometimes I hate! Do I need to get on with things? Or am I enjoying the pitty parties where no one is invited.
What should I do? I have random thoughts of attention seeking episodes that I never disclose to anyone, but I know that is not the path I want to travel. Also, when I run into people who knew me before, I regress further back because its a constant reminder of happier days?
I'm completely open to suggestions and hearing any plans that worked for others....... Because I ultiminately know this is not where I want to be mentally for the rest of my life.
Thanks for any or all the help you can give.
Kelso 
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| Josie, Support Specialist |
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06-14-2004 @ 7:52 PM |
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Joined: Mar. 2004
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Kelso,
Please feel free to roam the site at your own pace. If you look to the left of the screen under "TOOLS" you will find our Depression Test. This test is not a diagnostic tool and is not a replacement or substitute for a physician's advice. The purpose of these tests is to prepare you with information that you can present to your physician. When you're finished the test, you can either print your Final Report or email it directly to your doctor. This can better help you assess your depression.
The support site is wonderful tool for insight, knowledge and always support. You will find this very helpful in your recovery. You may also want to try our Depression Program. Take a look around and post often.
If you have any question or concerns with our site or please contact us at [email protected]. We are the Support Specialist for The Depression Center and are open to any questions or concerns you may have.
Looking forward to hearing from you soon!
Josie
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| Posted By |
Discussion Topic: Need a little inspiration
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